( the song of endless sorrow ) 長恨歌

二月決定要開始進行一個project，我想為白居易的"長恨歌"畫插畫。哈哈，應該會忽然給人一種很跳tone的感覺吧，不過其實這個想法在我心裡面已經大概有快三年的時間了，一直到今天我忽然覺得，那就不妨來試試看吧。經過一月的開頭之後，希望在二月甚至是接下來的日子裡也有一個目標。這個在講唐明皇和楊貴妃的故事，我從好久已前就好喜歡，正好可以讓我畫很多漂亮的女生哩。也許會準備一個新的空間來連載這個作品。會不會完成或是成為什麼樣貌，自己也感覺很期待。今天晚上就試畫了一個楊貴妃的圖畫。(點圖可以放大看比較清楚）

my new project will be illustrate the old chinese poem "song of endless sorrow",it's a real love story between Princess Jade Young and the Emperor Tong Ming Huuang about 1000 years ago. i have this idea since about three years ago and now i think it's a time for me to try.finish it or not,i am still looking forward to it. :) so tonight i tried and drew this famous chinese princess in my mind.(please click the picture for a better view.)

--- Moomin Gallery 姆米畫集

晚上很興奮地拿到最近訂的幾本書，包括一本 Tove Jasson的Moomin Gallery，裡面收錄一百多張從姆米書系（就是卡通嚕嚕米的原著）裡面精選出來插畫還有作者的相片。姆米書系是我小到現在都一直深愛著的一套書，造訪這部書的發想地和作者故鄉芬蘭也是我一直都有的夢想。想去看看真正姆米谷的故鄉，就像想去英國湖區看彼得兔的景色一樣。去年NDSL忽然推出了電動遊戲，讓我忽然想到應該要好好把這套書重看一次。所以決定今年開始要好好花些精神收集Tove Jasson的作品以及更深入去重新體驗它們。

今晚忽然覺得得到了好多啟發，不但讓我自己更確定要好好創作，也可以在這個blog分享更多影響自己，和喜歡的藝術家。於是我上amazon又發現去年有重新出版Jasson的漫畫作品，雖然已經快喝西北風了但是還是下訂這些書，不過怎麼說呢？真是興奮極了！我有好多事情想做啊！看書也好影片也好音樂也好，寫東西畫圖拍娃娃，還想要買新的衣服呢。

沒想到看了醫生之後，我才體認到自己過得並不快樂的事實。其實我想我是知道的，但是忽然看到那白色小藥丸上寫著有幫助焦慮失眠等症狀的功能，才驚覺居然需要吃這種藥？（雖然一次只要零點五顆）因為其實我一直很緊張要一再解釋，其實也很想要過著為自己活著，有很強烈目標，很快樂的生活。但是依賴不成只好選擇逃避或是不敢面對。真的真真切切瞭解過自己嗎？不然怎麼會時常覺得有什麼塞住了腦袋讓我什麼都表達不出來，然後乾脆作罷以為，我自己其實沒有什麼真正的想法呢？

一月要結束了，這是一個很努力的月份，感到有點累但是卻像是大病初癒一般。我要好好繼續努力，be happy.

Tonight i got the books that i ordered the other day ,one of them called the Moomin Gallery by Tove Jasson. it is full of hundreds of illustrations from the original books and the aurther's photos ( sadly the background stories were all written in Japanese) The Moonin Books have always been in a very special place and inspiration in my heart since i 1993 when they were first released in Taiwan. Visiting Finland has always been a dream of mine too. last year Nintendo released a NDSL video games of Moomin reminds me how much i love Jasson's work and i totally need to spent some time to collect more of her works and reread the books i have ! ( and hope some day i can get the cartoon series on DVD) This book really inspired me a lot tonight,i am more sure of myself about wanting to create more now and i want to create something great just like that! besides it also inspires me that i can share more of my collections of the illustrators i like here such as Jeffrey Fulvimari or Beatrix Potter. i feel like there are so many things i want to do now,such as read more,draw more,it even makes me wanna go out and buy some new T shirts ,ha. ( so i went on amazon and ordered more Jasson's books and now i am excited even i am very poor. )

i just realized the truth that actually i am not very happy after coming back from the doctor. in fact i probably knew it,just when i saw the function of my white little pills on the bags are "for anxiety,insomnia'' ,i was really shocked. am i close to have depression and i have to to take pills like that? ( although i only need to take 0.5 of it every day and night. ) i guess i am just worried about i have to keep explaining that i actually want happiness too,(surprise!) i want to live for myself and have a wonderful life too.maybe i just want to hold on to something else i don't have or i am not,and when i can't do that i just ran from myself instead. it's hard even for me to understand. so i just gave up and let it stuck my head and i told myself,no i don't have any thoughts,there's nothing i want to say. maybe in fact i have never really tried to understand myself?

January is going to an end. this is a month that i work on myself really hard. i feel a bit tired now but i am just starting to get really well.i will really keep trying,to be happy :) i hope that is what you are doing too.

*

Tove Jasson on Wiki

( the reason we love rain )

今天決定下課後一定要去看醫生。拖了一個禮拜心兒蹦蹦跳不停，照了心電圖，醫生看了報告說，自律神經失調。吃藥多休息應該就會好了。

騙得了自己，但是心臟還是漏了電。我本來也就知道原因是你。不過並不是因為你是壞人啊，請不要擔心的這麼想。我想因為我已經長大了也就要衰老了，心臟承受不了再像個孩子一般那樣地去愛，去要了吧。至少這證明這一切都是真的，我還要吃藥才會好起來呢！但是在這之後我就一定會好起來，想我就算已經經過了戀愛的年齡了吧。這些年來，從一開始知道會難過，再到在天橋下想到難堪的事情嘔吐起來，現在因為做了一個夢心兒噗通跳到自己都沒有辦法控制。因此可以說，我是真正地愛過了吧。想到這裡我也就覺得沒有什麼好遺憾的。下次記得不要再傷到自己神經了歐。

只是這有什麼大不了的勒，並不是因為這樣想要抱怨。也討厭自己其實的脆弱和敏感，這樣是不是要看見的美好世界比別人多一些裂縫，想得比應該有的知足還要更貪婪，我不是因為喜歡悲傷的感覺才要哭泣的，原因是因為孤單。我不是因為不想要樂觀的想法才不知道要去放手的，我更想要掙脫。如果我也可以繼續騙自己，那我到老都還可以是你生命重要的一部分嗎？

你要知道不是因為快樂的時光才額外難忘，是因為愛讓它變成特別，才會讓你想要去珍惜的。我希望成熟如你，有一天可以看清楚，你曾經握在手心的是多麼珍貴的物品。

i decided to go to the doctor after class for my palpitation over almost a week. the dr. checked my ECG report and said "unspecified neurotic disorder,take some medicines and rest you will be fine."

so i could fool myself but still couldn't fool my own heart. i knew the reason is because of you. it's because i'm old enough so my heart couldn't take it anymore from loving and wanting too much like a child. that really was my bad.

at least it's proved that it was all real. i even have to take pills to get well! and after this i'm sure i will be well and i will pass the age to love. all these years from knowing the pain,then to throw up underneath a bridge when thought of some hurtful situations,until now,waking up from a beautiful dream causing the OOC heartbeat. i could finally say "wow i have loved." and i have nothing to feel sorry for anymore.just remember don't hurt the nerve next time!
it's no big deal. it wasn't my intention to complain. i hate myself being fragile and sensitive either. does that mean i see more gray color in the sky than others? does that mean i greedily want more than what i should have to be content?i didn't cry because i like the feeling of sorrow,the reason is i was really lonely.i didn't hold on to it because i don't want to be positive,i want to be set free more than ever.if i can keep fooling myself,can i still be a part in your life until the end?

you must know why it's unforgettable isn't just because of the awesome happy time,it's love what make it so special , and make you want to cherish. i hope as a grown up as you can understand someday,how precious the thing was,that was once in your hand.

( today is the same as yesterday)

只是 今天還是和昨天一樣。

*

wallpaper 1024*768

( 我靜靜的生活。）

said goodbye to Van at the train station.went to the annual faculty lunch.people were amazed by my new hair color. checked out the CD shop and bookstore. bought Nature Morte's album. took a taxi home. slept for a while. watched a DVD.ate 7-11 forzen food.drew. listened to music.stared at the kitten.

HEART IS STILL POUNDING FAST.

心還是大大的跳。

＊

＊

喜歡今天的圖畫桌布。

wallpapers (1024*768)

心兒怎麼還是噗通噗通 跳（Pounding )

心兒為甚麼一直噗通噗通跳？

是昨天晚上沒有睡飽

也許是又夢見你的微笑

因為它可能知道

這是最後的機會為你這樣噗通噗通跳。

帶不走的我也忘不掉，就打算把它留在那到老，

帶著遺憾

也不再疑問奔跑

只是怎麼心兒還是噗通噗通的跳。

是不是在告訴我它有一天還是會變好

why is my heart pounding so fast?

maybe it is because i didn't sleep well last night

or there again i dreamed of your smile

maybe it knows it's last chance to beat for you

because i will just leave it there

i don't have plan to take it to anywhere

no more running around

after everything is said and done

but why is my heart still pounding so fast?

if it's telling me it will still have a reason beat
for my heart still feels.

( again )

你覺得一切都回到了原點，好像什麼都沒有發生過。

但是你能確定你還是原來的那個自己嗎？

雖然夢醒來，我仍然發現我們已經有一篇很美好的故事。

雖然已經沒有繼續做那個

重複和你不停說再見的夢了

那就當我們各自去旅行，各自去冒險

有一天，我好想好想再見你一面。

even it feels like everything is back to the beginning

like it was never there.

but can you be sure we are still the same people we ever were?

the dream has ended

where i said goodbye to you over and over again

i pretend that i am just going on a trip on my own

but i have a hope now

to be with you

to read your smile again

love will be simple again

you will be perfect

and i will be happy again

there is a day,i wanna see you again

so much.

( the universe )

YOU WILL MAKE IT SOMEHOW.

變化莫測的桌布四款。
WALLPAPER_A (purple)
WALLPAPER_B (BLUE)
WALLPAPER_C (RED)
WALLPAPER_D (black)

i had no idea why i drew this. didn't expect this AT ALL. lol
到底是為甚麼要畫這個，現在還是一個謎。

( image for life )

today i opened the window

and marc stood up to see the view outside.

i took a picture.

somehow i feel

this is just how my life look like right now.

今天把窗戶打開，邱小罵站起來看窗戶外面，

照了這張照片，似乎這張照片就可以展示我現在的全部生活。

在那之後的全部生活

xox

( only you can hear it )

終於瞭解為甚麼我又開始畫圖了。
因為我要開始慢慢痊癒，靜靜把這想念悲傷藏在顏色裡。
快樂的事情已經沒有辦法第一時間告訴你，
想你的時候，很想讓你知道今天天空的顏色，氣候的溫度。
但是怕你根本不在乎。
於是想要大聲呼喊出來的事情，顯得很微不足道又可笑
因為誰聽見都不重要，我只想讓你知道
可是當你也不知道，我就沒有辦法逃跑了
我就被困在這個小小的牢

所以當我想掙脫，那一刻在心裡面替它照相
描繪的不是什麼繽紛的幻想，不是什麼想要實現的夢想
只是一個簡簡單單的呼喚而已。

你找到這裡，就找到我呼喊你的名字，
我想念你的表情，哭泣時候的聲音

如果你聽不見，那我就再發聲
再呼喊
一直到我痊癒為止。

finally understand the reason why i start drawing again.
because i am about to heal,so i hide these sorrows and love in colors
i have lost the right to tell you the things that make me happy
when i think of you,
i really want you to know the color of the sky outside my window.
but i am afraid you don't even care about it
so the words that i wanna shout out become trivial
for whoever hears it doesn't matter ,i just want you to hear it.
so when you can't even hear it,i can't run from myself anymore
i am just stuck in this tiny cage

when i try to break it
i take a picture in my mind
not some unreal fantasy,not any dream i try to make it come true

but a simple calling
a calling for you when you find it here

if you don't hear it,then i try again
and again
until the day i am well again.



桌布 wallpaper "close my eyes"

( 雪花的快樂。) if i were a snowflake

假如我是一朵雪花　翩翩的在半空裡瀟灑 我一定認清我的方向　

飛颺　飛颺　飛颺　這地面上有我的方向
不去那冷漠的幽谷　不去那淒清的山麓　也不上荒街去惆悵

飛颺　 飛颺　飛颺　你看　我有我的方向
在半空裡娟娟的飛舞　認明了那清幽的住處　等著她來花園裡探望

飛颺　飛颺　飛颺　啊！她身上有硃砂梅的清香
那時我憑藉我的身體　盈盈的　沾住了她的衣襟　貼近她柔波似的心胸

消溶　消溶　消溶　溶入了她柔波似的心胸

-------徐志摩 "雪花的快樂''

飛奔往前 寂寞的命運，
希望可以記住 看見雪花的快樂。
if i were a snowflake i must know my own direction
and that is the happiness for a snowflake.



桌布 wallpaper A / wallpaper B

( 你一定會）you will be what you will be.

好冷，小罵最近很幸福都有毛毯和暖爐。我有時候覺得，我沒有了牠我該怎麼辦呢？牠去年剛來家裡的時候，我就覺得，我有了牠就足夠了我就什麼都不想要了。慢慢地我習慣牠了，我還是愛牠到莫名其妙的地步，但是也開始又會覺得孤單，想要更多。
我們都是這樣會想要越來越多嗎？還是只有我是這樣。我通常都得到我想要的，我其實都很珍惜我得到的。這是我的優點。但是我得不到的時候，我就會難過，不甘心。我並不喜歡這樣子。
要怎麼樣才能知道自己已經是很完整的，我們不需要什麼來讓自己更完整？ 今天很想說一些鼓勵自己的話。
因為你一定會好的，你會找出來什麼是屬於你自己的別人拿不走的，你會找到愛你的，明白你的簡單的，你會感受這世界美好的一面，你會珍惜你得到的愛，有一天你就會幸福的。真高興我現在這個年紀告訴我自己這樣的話時，不同的地方在於我知道這些都不是好聽的話而已，我不會說著這樣空泛的安慰話語然後一直重複自己的錯誤，因為經歷過了你所謂感到痛苦的日子，我會靜靜等待知道平靜的美麗，當我遇見什麼，我會格外的小心維護和努力去讓自己變得更好。
還要再試，還要一直努力。
it's cold. lately Marc is with his heater and blanket all the time. sometimes i think what will i do without him? i remember when he first came home last winter,i felt he is really all i needed and could fill the big hole in me,and then i started to get used to him even i still love him behind words now,still i feel lonely again,i want more.
are we all like this? or it is only me? i usually get what i want and i cherish them. (this is my virtue)but when i don't get what i want.i suffer.i don't like myself being this way.how do we let ourselves know we are already completed with ourselves,and we don't need anything else?

today i feel like saying something to encourage myself,so here i go:
you will become better.and you will find what's in you that no one will take it away from you,you will find someone who will love and understand your simpleness.you will see the beautiful side of this world.you will cherish what you have,and one day you will be very happy.you will be thankful.
i am glad when i tell myself things like this now at this stage in my life,there's a difference because i know there are not just "words". i won't just say all these words and keep making the same mistake over and over again.after been though the pain,i will sit here and wait and to know the beauty of the slience of life.and when i meet something, i will try especially hard to protect it and make myself a better person.
i want to try,i want to keep trying.

(這不是一篇樂觀的日記雖然圖片很繽紛。）

我不是想要連你都失去的，因為你是我的好朋友。我想要讓一切簡單的，可是我卻搞砸了。所以我就掉到了深深的黑暗之中。很抱歉來到這裡的人我沒有辦法告訴你要怎麼去樂觀的面對生活，要怎麼看清楚然後學會放下你就不會感到這麼痛苦，要怎麼去學習孤單你就會和它和平共處相安無事，怎麼去更愛你自己把握自己當下的人生，找到自己想要的然後去實現它。因為這些全都是我做不到的。

記得以前不是這樣的，但是卻忽然發現我有一天變成一個不樂觀的人，我擔心失去所以就很刻意緊抓不放，我說話變得不再坦誠因為我希望我說出來的都是對的話，那會讓你愛我。

我覺得我自己一定是不夠好。

而我討厭這樣的自己。而我從來都不想要說，我很好啊，那你呢？

這樣說你懂嗎？我很希望你也可以瞭解，那我就知道不是只有我一個人是這麼感覺。感覺為何你總是能夠把自己的生活掌握得那麼好，你不會有苦痛。因為你知道要怎麼去樂觀的面對生活，你早就看清楚也放下所以你不敢痛苦，你不感到孤單因為你身邊圍繞愛你的人，你愛你自己勝於你愛任何人包括愛我（相信這也是能被諒解的。）你知道自己想要的而你一步步要實現它。

我想我一定是不夠好。

請你不要像我這樣請你下載這張我給你的禮物一張繽紛的彩色桌布WALLPAPER 1024x768 你會知道其實我很努力。

note: this entry is full of nagative thoughts so it won't be translated into english. we don't need them in this world anyway.however the wallpaper is amazingly colorful and beautiful just like this lovely world.please download it and sent it to your love ones.

( if this is where you wanna be )

如果把一切都放棄了，寧願重頭開始。那麼你現在的難過和痛苦，並不是你心中想要過的那種日子。

如果說過的話，都可以這麼簡單的被解釋，那樣簡單的心情，卻又不能夠被瞭解，那不是我期待中要給你的愛。

好好的去享受生活是對的。
做讓自己感到開心的事情也是正確的。

一切雲淡風輕的日子很快就會來臨，季節變化以後，時間沖洗之後，那樣釋然地見證一切的那一天會來到得比我想像中還要早，這我從不懷疑。

好像一切都只是一場夢一樣。

那我們做對過什麼樣的事情呢？可以告訴我嗎？

if you give up everything and want a start-all-over. Then the pain and sorrow you feel now,isn't where you wanna be. if everything i said can be explained perfectly,but the simple thought i have for you can not reach then it is not where i wanna be.it's right to enjoy life. it's right to do things that make you happy.the day when we feel nothing at all will come,i never have doubt. and it will all become a dream.til that day,i ask myself :have i ever done anything right ? won't you tell me?

( Bella )

努力掙脫結果斷手斷腳。

tried to break free then broke your arm and leg.

.

.

.

血淋淋的桌布。bleeding wallpaper ver.1 / bloody wallpaper ver.2

(today is not the day we start all over.) 月光

今天 也不是重新開始的一天

你感到失望和無奈，不是你得到新生的那樣一個晚上

回來這裡，也不是為了要指引什麼方向，或是去實現美好的夢想。

也不想再試著在誰的心裡面烙下什麼難忘的，無法取代的溫暖陽光

那

試著 給自己一點力量如何？

找一個可以躲起來，慢慢痊癒，

然後再用溫柔的眼光去看世界的角落怎麼樣？

我很想那樣的陪伴你。

雖然不能夠成為

被你那樣依靠地放在心上

因為我自己那有你千分之一的美好

那只好讓我在距離你無限海洋，遙遠的地方

靜靜的為你祈禱

讓自己變得堅強

today is not the day we start all over
you feel down and helpless ,this is not the night that you can be reborn
back here
you're not asking for any direction
or making any dream come true
not even trying to leave any mark and become irreplaceable to anyone

how about offering some strength to yourself?
how about finding a hidden place for you to take your time and heal
then you can look at the world in a gentle new light again?

i really hope to be your company like that
although i can never stay in that place of your heart
because i am not as wonderful as you are

so in a place that is far far away from you
let me pray

for you
and for me to be strong.

( 故事書的最後一頁 )

不是說我不知道故事會有說完的一天

只是好想放慢速度去讀它。

現在呢 不用假裝捨不得多好

因為就是真的這麼感傷。

it's not like that i don't know the story has to come to an end,

just i wish i could slow it down and the day won't ever have to come

now i am so glad that i don't have to pretend that i don't know how to let go

i simply just don't know.

desktop 桌布

--- winnie doll 溫妮娃娃

溫妮娃娃是04年因為要幫辛曉琪設計的歌迷網站所繪製的插畫，那時候為了和別的曉琪網站區隔就決定一定要用插畫的，做一個像是曉琪的吉祥物一樣的東西。後來這幾年每隔一段時間就會根據曉琪的造型幫娃娃"換裝"。不知不覺居然已經畫過二十多款溫妮娃娃了！溫妮娃也會被其他歌迷拿來做海報，卡片或是禮物送給曉琪，這都讓我很開心呢!

不過最特別的是在06年第一次出現在曉琪承諾演唱會的led的螢幕上之後，曉琪在其他演唱會上也會把溫妮娃娃放上去歐！今年一開始，因為看到曉琪有一組好漂亮的新照片，好久沒畫圖的我也心血來潮幫溫妮娃娃換裝，畫完之後心想，對啊，我應該要開始好好的再來畫圖。所以也算是這次重新開始這個blog的一個原因！

Winnie the Rose fanclub website "溫妮玫瑰"網站

* Winnie doll is an illustration i created for the singer Winnie Hsin's fanclub website! Winnie used it in her own concert ,twice!

( a summer memory )

這個炎熱的夏天過後，

希望你記得什麼事是美好的，
有關你說過的話，
你走過午後城市的一陣雨，
在離我千里遠的地方落下

我希望就在你旁邊。
而你看不見的，我的懼怕，我的懷疑，
我想要拋棄的事物和生活緊緊纏繞著我，
但是才發現，
我已經因為你而開始感覺也許不是自己祈禱的無憂無慮
卻是充滿嚮往和苦痛的每一天包覆著期待會發生的，
擔心會失去的你讓我夢想遇到你之後一切都會好轉
那樣不切實際的願望

但我得停止啊
是不是得停止。

( 說 ) say

我很希望你能說什麼 可以造成改變的話

但是我一說出口，反而沈沒更深了

i wish you could say something that will change something between us

in th end it's me who said something and then i sink even a bit deeper.

desktop 桌布 download