1.26.2010

( the reason we love rain )

今天決定下課後一定要去看醫生。拖了一個禮拜心兒蹦蹦跳不停,照了心電圖,醫生看了報告說,自律神經失調。吃藥多休息應該就會好了。

騙得了自己,但是心臟還是漏了電。我本來也就知道原因是你。不過並不是因為你是壞人啊,請不要擔心的這麼想。我想因為我已經長大了也就要衰老了,心臟承受不了再像個孩子一般那樣地去愛,去要了吧。至少這證明這一切都是真的,我還要吃藥才會好起來呢!但是在這之後我就一定會好起來,想我就算已經經過了戀愛的年齡了吧。這些年來,從一開始知道會難過,再到在天橋下想到難堪的事情嘔吐起來,現在因為做了一個夢心兒噗通跳到自己都沒有辦法控制。因此可以說,我是真正地愛過了吧。想到這裡我也就覺得沒有什麼好遺憾的。下次記得不要再傷到自己神經了歐。


只是這有什麼大不了的勒,並不是因為這樣想要抱怨。也討厭自己其實的脆弱和敏感,這樣是不是要看見的美好世界比別人多一些裂縫,想得比應該有的知足還要更貪婪,我不是因為喜歡悲傷的感覺才要哭泣的,原因是因為孤單。我不是因為不想要樂觀的想法才不知道要去放手的,我更想要掙脫。如果我也可以繼續騙自己,那我到老都還可以是你生命重要的一部分嗎?

你要知道不是因為快樂的時光才額外難忘,是因為愛讓它變成特別,才會讓你想要去珍惜的。我希望成熟如你,有一天可以看清楚,你曾經握在手心的是多麼珍貴的物品。

i decided to go to the doctor after class for my palpitation over almost a week. the dr. checked my ECG report and said "unspecified neurotic disorder,take some medicines and rest you will be fine."

so i could fool myself but still couldn't fool my own heart. i knew the reason is because of you. it's because i'm old enough so my heart couldn't take it anymore from loving and wanting too much like a child. that really was my bad.

at least it's proved that it was all real. i even have to take pills to get well! and after this i'm sure i will be well and i will pass the age to love. all these years from knowing the pain,then to throw up underneath a bridge when thought of some hurtful situations,until now,waking up from a beautiful dream causing the OOC heartbeat. i could finally say "wow i have loved." and i have nothing to feel sorry for anymore.just remember don't hurt the nerve next time!
it's no big deal. it wasn't my intention to complain. i hate myself being fragile and sensitive either. does that mean i see more gray color in the sky than others? does that mean i greedily want more than what i should have to be content?i didn't cry because i like the feeling of sorrow,the reason is i was really lonely.i didn't hold on to it because i don't want to be positive,i want to be set free more than ever.if i can keep fooling myself,can i still be a part in your life until the end?

you must know why it's unforgettable isn't just because of the awesome happy time,it's love what make it so special , and make you want to cherish. i hope as a grown up as you can understand someday,how precious the thing was,that was once in your hand.

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